2020

Wow - I'm sure I've said this before, but it's really worth saying again. As you get older, time really does fly by. Where did 2019 go? What did I even do during the past year? Other than run from work to work to work, I don't as many memories as I would prefer. Yes, I had an epic road trip with 4 other awesome ladies (5 women, 1 pick-up truck, Calgary to Salt Lake City!!) and completed my Level 5 Pathway at Toastmasters, came in 2nd at a division contest but what else? Oh, that's right, managed to pack on an additional 30 pounds over the year. THIRTY!!! WTF?!

I look happier than I feel about it, trust me!!!

So here we sit, on January 5th, and what am I going to do about it?? I still go to WW every week, but pretty much just been going through the motions. I rejoined the gym at work ($10 a month, who wouldn't??) and am actually using it now. Sadly, just paying the fee every month does nothing for your cardio or physical self. And I just came in from a 45 minute walk through the 'hood. And a brisk walk at that...play Pitbull to keep those feet moving quickly!!!

I've joined a group of fellow masochists on Facebook, aptly called #75Hard. No, there isn't 75 of us, but we each committed to 75 days of the following:

I think the real focus of this is the actual commitment aspect. The water part is hard, as I've never been a drinker, unless it's brown and caffeinated. So I have to play little games with myself to challenge and track. But I've committed to do this, so here goes. I also liked that it started on Friday, not January 1st. Today is day 3, so far so good. It's forced me to really buckle down with WW as well, and show that the program works when you work the program. Sticking with the Blue program for now (they introduce two more choices just before Christmas) but I may go back to Green (the Basics) for a while, just really drive home the good food choices and habits.

What are you all doing to make 2020 different from last year? To make this decade different from the last? Big plans, dreams?I'd love to hear them all...see what they spur inside of me. I'll dig into my goals for the year/decade in another post. But here's a teaser...I want to blog consistently. Aiming for once a week, for now, again, just to rebuild the habit.

Thanks for reading,

Carol W.

Feeling FAT

There...I said it. Today I feel fat. Not sluggish, not bloated, not "off". F.A.T. And I have no one or nothing to blame but myself.

It's been building all month. I've openly and eagerly participated in all of the fund-raising food and beverage offerings we've had over the past couple of weeks. After all, it's for the children, right?! Texas donuts, bake sales, a candy buffet, BBQ hamburgers, beer, Baileys, more beer, even more beer, chips...it goes on and on. I did manage to get myself out for a couple of walks, but let's face it; at this point, it's like using a squirt gun to try and put out a campfire.

So what am I going to do about it? I did try pouting all night. Didn't really help much. I made the decision to not go to WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) tonight either. Yes, yes, I know...when I'm up, I need my meeting/workshop/whatever the hell they call it now, and when I'm down, they need me. I just didn't want to face the digital devil, the people, anyone really. After all, I've been doing this for so long, the very logical brain cell knows what to do. It's just on the run from the "I want to eat all the things and do nothing" mob of brain cells, hell bent on destroying it!! At least something in me is running!

Time to step back and look at my why. Why do I want to lose this weight? After wandering around Winners for a while tonight, trust me, vanity jumped to the front of the queue. I want to look good. I also noticed my right cankle is back...meaning my rheumatoid is making it's not-so-subtle reappearance. Cankles are sooooo sexy, aren't they? The good news is no pain. I am off my RA meds (with full permission of my Dr, thank you) and I'm going to do my best to not have to rely on them again. I think between all the standing this past week at the Depot, the sudden heat, and yes, my rather poor eating/drinking habits, it was just a matter of time till something like this happened. I'm quadrupling my anti-inflammatory/anti-oxidant supplements, as well as drinking my Pink Drink. I missed a couple of days here and there (mmmm...beer) so getting that habit re-established will help immensely. After all, I think that's a big reason for the initial remission.

But back to the why...vanity, health and quite frankly money. I should be rather tired by this point of WW being my favourite monthly donation!! I want to get to goal so that I don't have to pay anymore. There, I said it! So it is written, so it is done! Oh, to be THAT easy, huh?

I hate to say there's one more day of debauchery, but we are taking a team member out for her retirement lunch tomorrow...yes, to a pub. Yes, there will be beer. And most likely deep-fried things. But June dawns on Saturday, and that's as good a day as any to take those first healthy steps back into program.

To assist me along the way, I do have another set of books to read. I've been hearing all lot about Rachel Hollis lately that I decided on a couple of her books, as well as a working journal. Anything to trigger me into action. I am still reading carrying around the Big Leap, but will add these to the pile.

Time to settle down for the night. If you are in Alberta, watch that smoke intake. I hate to have to close the windows, but it smells like a campfire in here, and my sinuses have put up some rather solid blockades!! Pray for some rain (NO lightning, please) so we can get the evacuees back home.

Thank you for reading,
Carol W.

Time flies when you're having fun

Or when you are running around like a maniac, trying to keep up with the customer order pick-ups, customer order requests, returns, sales, questions and that ever present, non-stop ringing telephone!!

It was a tad busy again tonight at the Depot. The waves of people never stopped, and I'm pretty certain I got in 10,000 of my total 13,000 steps just running from the service desk to the BOPIS (Buy Online, Pick Up In Store) room all night long.

I started at 4:30, which doesn't give me very much time after working till 3:30 at JOB #1, to actually eat anything for supper. And while I do get a dinner break, I didn't have anything quick to grab on my way in and back out of the house.

Run in to work, punched in my time, put on my apron and steel-toe boots, and then didn't stop running around until 8:30 when my stomach suddenly reminded me that lunch was a very, very long time ago! I didn't want to raid the candy machine, and the choices by the cashiers aren't much better...chips, chocolate bars and jerky. I decided I would survive just fine until I got home, although I didn't count on that last, very late return after we had already closed for the night. I will admit to being a bit hangry by the time I pulled into my garage. It's a good thing I have an awesome protein powder and tasty supplements ready and waiting. Some frozen cherries, water, dried peanut butter, dark chocolate power boost (for my muscles), yummy orange beauty boost (for my hair, skin and nails) and the neutral vegan, non-soy protein powder, and I was enjoying a refreshing shake in no time. Even broke in my new Oster personal blender. Worked like a charm!

I don't want to make this a habit, replacing a meal with a smoothie, as I do prefer chewing rather than drinking my food, but it's nice to know that I have this available for crazy nights like this. I'll aim to get some chicken cooked and prepped over the weekend, so I can have something handier and hardier to grab & go. Cut up celery and carrots, hard-boiled eggs, apples. All things that I can grab from the fridge as I run through the kitchen, to run out the door again.

Needless to say, still haven't read any further in the Big Step. Boy, when I do though!! That'll be something!

Thanks for reading,
Carol W.

Club Coaching

Tonight was interesting. In an effort to get my Distinguished Toastmasters, I'm joining forces with a friend at our group, and working on coaching a club over the hurdles they're currently experiencing. I've never been a coach like this before. In fact, I've never really been a coach, so this will all be new to me.

Met with the other group tonight, and it was small. Only 3 current members at the meeting, and then luckily two guests showed up. That's a great start!! Just have to work on getting the rest of the existing members to show up consistently, and keep adding to the membership. It's a year commitment at least, to coach, and we can extend after that if need be.

As with small meetings, everyone stepped up into and helped out, even the guests! Speeches were given off the cuff (way to go, Christine!), table topics, and evaluations given. I handled timing, although I admit to not quite understanding the lighting apparatus they had. I used the app on my phone! I love that about Toastmasters. The group really supports and encourages each other. This group seems like a really good fit, and I'm excited to see where we end up.

Almost done my 4th level in Pathways as well, with the speech tomorrow, and then a few more posts here. And then it's level 5. Insert serious music here... It looks intimidating! I think it's fortuitous that the group we are coaching specializes in project management, as level 5 is all about projects! I have to pick a project, find a sponsor, form a committee...it's all very new to me. But this is really what Toastmasters is about. Pushing you out of your comfort zone and learning new things.

Needless to say, still not any further in the Big Leap! Maybe tomorrow!!

Thanks for reading,

Carol W.

Priorities

I am exhausted. Physically and mentally beat up. My feet are killing me. My legs ache. I'm having trouble remembering the simplest task. What on earth have I been doing, you may ask? Working at my part-time job!!

Did I mention that I have a part-time job? Yes, in addition to my full-time one. I've always seemed to do this. I say it's for fun (when I worked at the theatre) or something new (data entry at Calgary Labs) but I always seem to creep back in to "working all of the time". Today, it's Customer Service at Home Depot. With fellow team members off on family emergencies and others leaving the company, I am the first to say "sure, I can cover". What that has meant is last week alone I worked a mere 7 hours less than my full time job!! Four days straight of standing on cement in steel-toed boots also means both of my feet are about to call a rotating strike on me!! They'd walk out, if they thought they could!! That flows up into the calves, thighs and hips. Which doesn't help with the sleeping part. But I've dosed up on some magnesium and vitamin D, which should help ease things. I'll also drink a slug of pickle juice, just to be on the safe side!! The work itself isn't hard, although there are some things I really do have to talk myself through (yes, out loud - please don't laugh). Also surrounded by a pretty good group of people, for the most part, having fun and enjoying themselves. Then there are the shifts with the grumpy-bums and cranky customers and any semblance of a good mood is rapidly destroyed. But I keep going back.

So this begs the question 'why'? Why am I putting myself through this? After all, don't I have a side hustle? Why do I always seem to put more effort into a J.O.B. rather than my own business? And there in lies the rub. I always seem to make other things a priority over this. And I have a ton of excuses...it's how I was raised, it's my work ethic, it's what's expected of me... Worse part is I get myself so wrapped up in the jobs, I start to forget or pass over what else I "should" be doing. Working on building a business. Reading a book (or collection of books) meant to help me grow and develop my business skills. Doing a blog to share my thoughts of said books, or business or what have you. And yet the priority always seems to fall to WORK.

While I am totally stuck on the same page of the Big Leap (can't seem to fit in 15 minutes of reading), I do love my You are a Bada$$ (Jen Sincero) daily calendar. For example, as I was feeling pulled about and questioning what I was doing with this thing called life, this was the quote of the day:

"I can pretty much guarantee that every time you tearfully ask yourself the question, "WTF is my problem?!" the answer lies in some lame, limiting, and FALSE subconscious belief that you've been dragging around without even realizing it."

I mean WHA?!?! BOOM!! Yes, yes and YASSSS!!!!

However, what does all of this mean right here and now? Nothing...because I AM tired. I'm going to bed momentarily. My goal today was to get this post out regardless, as I keep using the excuse of "tired and no time" and skipping it day after day. So here it is...maybe it's rambling and maybe it's nonsense but I got the words out tonight.

What are your priorities, and how do you stick to them, against all the things coming at us all day? I am curious to know.

Thank you for reading,
Carol W.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

You know when you are watching a scary movie, and one of the characters is about to go outside, and you yell at the screen "don't do it!", because you know exactly what is going to happen?? Yeah, my weight journey lately has been that scary movie!!  "Don't eat that!!" I scream, and yet I eat it. "Get up and move!", I yell. And yet, I sit or worse, nap. I know better...I've been a member of WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) for longer than some members there have been alive, and yet I seem determined to self-sabotage myself at every turn and never reach goal.

Take today...well, this week, actually. I've watched my weight bounce around all week, and yet I just had to have the mini-cupcake yesterday (it was someone's birthday, rude not to, am I right?), or the new Oreo PB and Chocolate flavour. Just had to try it. After all, never, ever been a fan of Oreos, but that didn't stop me from trying, buying and eating an entire package myself. Seriously...what is wrong with me?!?!?

I am an emotional eater. Trouble is, the emotion doesn't have to be a negative one. Happy...sad...angry...stressed...bored...all excuses to shovel something into my mouth. And let's be honest here. It is NEVER a carrot or an apple that I am reaching for. Someone suggested that tonight at the workshop (formally known as meeting). Instead of the chocolate sprinkles Texas donut, grab an apple instead. Sure...that's happening!!

I did manage to go for a bit of a walk today, of which I am proud of. I used to walk every day at lunch, and then used snow, rain, wind and work as convenient excuses as to why I couldn't. That stops now. I feel like crap. Seriously like a pile of poo. Not enjoying my reflection in the mirror. Not feeling so awesome about myself. What have you to say about that, Dr. Hendricks? How is The Big Leap going to help me overcome my weight issues? He does say that the intention of the book is to "show me exactly how to free myself from the self-imposed limitation that is keeping me from my ultimate success". Guess I'd better read some more!

Do you self-sabotage? How do you break the cycle or habit? Looking for any and all ideas. I need to change something - a fresh perspective would be great!

As always, thank you for reading.

Carol W.

Is it Fear or is it Fake

Slowly getting into The Big Leap. Still muddling through chapter 1 - it's not that Dr. Hendricks uses big words or complicated theories. In fact, it's pretty simple. Which is maybe why I'm having trouble getting through it. I keep reading and rereading the same lines. It's hitting home - perhaps a little too close for comfort!

His first concept is the Upper Limit Problem. Basically, as I understand it, is we all have our own perceived glass ceiling, and until we're ready to break through to the Ultimate level, we will never realize our true potential.

I once had aspirations of psychiatry as a career, until the sciences seriously clashed with my brain, but find I push back a bit when I see and hear things like this. If it's really so simple, why aren't we all doing it? Oh that's right...because we think we don't deserve all the happiness, accolades, wealth. I have to say the one part I really resonated with was when he talked of eating healthy, exercising and feeling great through the week, only to throw it all away with booze, sugar and poor habits on the weekend. Story of my life! Begs the question...why do I fear being thin and healthy? There's a blog for another day!!

Once through the introduction, you reach chapter 1: Preparing for your Big Leap. Here, you have 3 questions to answer:

1. Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside (inner sense of well being)?

    - yes

2. Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?

    - I hope it's yes. Gets a little shaky here.

3. Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?

    - "All the time"?? Again, one would hope the answer is yes. 

It is here that we dive into the limiting beliefs. I like how he puts this into perspective...if we cling to the notion that something's not possible, we are essentially arguing in favour of limitation. What's the payoff of limitation? Hamster wheel of mediocrity? What if Columbus returned to Europe and said he didn't find land, but he could have, if he didn't have a nasty cold? America wouldn't have a holiday in October for one. 

I am finding myself flipping back and forth between the pages, again not because the concept is so obtuse or hard to comprehend, but because I keep seeing snips that I want to remember and go back to. It's definitely a book to read with a high-lighter in hand!

I'll close with this question tonight...How am I getting in my own way? A doozy, for me at least...think about it. I'd love to chat. Let me know how you get in or out of your own way?

Thanks for reading,

Carol W.

Welcome back, for real this time.

I've done everything I can think of to avoid this moment right now. Changed the litter. Hauled out the recyclables. Emptied garbage bins. Made another cup of coffee. Played with the furbabies. All clever avoidance tactics I've honed over the years.

What am I so afraid of? Why is jotting down my thoughts, dreams, goals and such so intimidating to me. Maybe I'm afraid no one will read it. But that begs the question...why am I really doing this? Is it for me or you? Let me back-track a bit here.

I am a Toastmaster, for just over two years now. I've completed my Competent Communicator, the Competent Leader, Advanced Leader Bronze, and I'm in the 4th level of the 5 level Pathway, Persuasive Influence. I'm also working towards my Distinguished Toastmaster designation. Toastmasters is fun, and I've dived in feet first. After all, Public Speaking were the only two classes in college that I received an A...A+, actually. While I have no problem speaking in public, one of the challenges in this pathway is to complete a blog. Again, I thought...no problem. I've been writing various iterations of this blog for years now. And yet, every time I thought of a topic or decided to actually put fingers to keyboard (not the same ring as pen to paper, is it??), I would find a trillion other things to do.

There in lies the crux...when I have something I "should" be doing, whether it's dealing with issues in my house like the plumbing, organizing my office, my taxes, my budget, building my side hustle, exercise, weight loss...anything that is "adulting", I seem to easily willingly distract myself.

With your help, I am working on changing all of that this year. The hamster wheel, while fun to begin with, is getting boring. I'm tired of the same old, and yet it's what I so easily fall back in to. Jen Sincero said it best when she wrote "the walls of our comfort zone are lovingly papered with our excuses". It's time to break down one or all of those walls. I have all three of her books...let's try actually reading them, shall we? And the many, many other self-improvement, ,marketing, betterment books I have on hand. Did I mention there were many??

Kosmo helping Mommy choose

Step 1 for the blog - consistency. While I laughingly cry "go big or go home" history has taught me that I do just that...go home. I get overwhelmed and crawl back under the covers of complacency. One step at a time to start any journey, right? I will read, and do a book report on one of the books I have on hand right now and post at least 8 more times over the next few weeks. Which one shall it be, though??

I've decided on a rather appropriate one, in fact. The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.

Conquer your hidden fear and take life to the next level

Please feel free to share this, if you think it may help someone you know. And comment...I love comments. Let's start a dialogue. How do you get yourself out of the "zone" when you get stuck? I'm open to ideas!

Thank you for reading.
Carol W.

A love letter to myself

A very dear friend came across this nugget, while flipping through our junior high school yearbook. The year, 1977. The age...unknown but guessing either 13 or 14. After all, it was grade 8. That's the year that Shelly moved back to the Saskatchewan town her parents were from, and our lives were forever changed, without us even knowing. I'm sure at the time, between the tears, threats of running away together, wails of despair and negotiations for my parents to adopt Shelly (They adopted me. What's one more?! After all, we always thought we were sisters-from-another-mister, long before that concept ever became cool!) we were both convinced our lives were completely over. May as well stop the planet from rotating, because it's all done for. Funny how 41+ years manage to pass by, and neither of us has actually died. Oh, I'm sure it felt close some days...may have even toed the line to peek over, but we are both standing as strong as we did as children. Our paths may have gone off in very different directions, but we wound our way back into each others lives and arms. Where I think we were meant to be, all along. But then that question of "what if" pops up. What if Shelly hadn't moved, and we continued on to high school, college, careers, boys together?? Would Shelly have 3 beautiful children and grand babies today? Run her own company, and speak at events as a subject matter expert? Would she have painted and then presented me with the new (very old) frame that makes it absolute perfection (this is also 41 years old, by the way, and it's hung in my room since the day Shelly gave it to me, so very long ago.)

And what about me?? Would growing up together, on the same street, one house down have meant different choices for me? Marriage, a different career, children...Ermmmm...this is where I gulp and hoping I at least stay the crazy cat lady!! Every time I look at the picture of me from so long ago, all I can think is "oh, girl...you have no fucking idea of what's to come." And that's a good thing, right?!

I've showed the picture around, and everyone is kind to comment how pretty I was then. Funny how hindsight kind of grabs you and makes you look twice. Was I pretty? I certainly didn't think so then. I have flashes of doubt now. And while this was before puberty and my seemingly constant struggle with weight, I recall being teased for being too skinny. Too many freckles. I'm sure my eyes were too blue and my hair too brown. I distinctly remember being too tall. I mean seriously...WTF?! Could not make people happy, and sadly, that meant a very long, bumpy road of finding and then finally claiming MY own happiness.

So what would I say to me now? Even thinking about it is choking up my throat, and what is this wet stuff on my cheeks? How I want to wrap that sweet (really, I was sweet...honest!) girl up in my arms and protect her from everything and everyone that hurts her, but then, she won't learn and grow, will she? I guess all I can tell her is that our life is a good one. Yes, we definitely have had dark days, but the sun always came up. ALWAYS. We loved hard, and people loved us back. Some didn't last, but was it meant to then? I don't know these things either. So keep smiling, sweet girl...people will try their very best to make you frown, but continue to smile in defiance! Smile like you really do know the secret, and you still won't share. Smile, because you really are happy. Really!

Much love and gratitude,
Carol

I love Wednesdays

I really do love Wednesdays, and it's not because it's hump day, or the middle of the work week. In fact, for some of us that juggle two (or more) jobs, there really isn't a "middle" to speak of. Just another day, just another shift. No, I love Wednesdays because that's Toastmasters day where I work.

I look forward to Toastmasters every week. I get to spend my lunch with an amazing, ever changing, ever growing, group of people. I get to network within in my own organization, which is great when I come up against something I don't know or understand, but I remember...ah-ha!!  "Bob" works for that department; he'll know about this or at least point me towards who does. While our group is small, and getting smaller weekly it appears, we are mighty! All joining with the goal of working on our leadership skills, interpersonal communications and yes, the dreaded public speaking. But here's the thing...THAT'S my favourite part!!!  I simply adore standing up in front of everyone and giving a speech, or even more fun, the table-topics, a lightening round of questions of which you don't prepare, but answer off the cuff. I enjoy that so much I competed in the last area and division meets. I did win our area, which allowed my to continue on to the division, but sadly came in 3rd. I have some work to do for next year, that is for certain. The competition bug has bitten, and I want to do better. I know I can do better!

But back to the actual speaking part. Toastmasters has introduced a new platform, if you will, to modernize the overall concept. Online course take you through what is call Pathways, and like a path through the mountains, you climb levels, completing various speeches and tasks, until you reach the summit of Level 5. I've chosen the Pathway of Persuasive Influence - something I aim to use with my other endeavor, helping people achieve their dreams and goals. Today's speech was # 19 or 20 (I've honestly lost track) overall, and is almost the middle of my current Pathway. It was about Conflict Resolution, and how I deal with it (I don't...hate conflict...I run scared...oh wait, I was supposed to learn something back there, wasn't I?!) and I gave a pretty good speech. Everyone enjoyed it, and even commented how they can't wait till they are as prepared and rehearsed as I am. So...when do I tell them that it was pretty much off the cuff?! Oh, I had an idea and even wrote one out, but I didn't really rehearse it. I most certainly didn't commit it to memory. And maybe that's why I enjoy Toastmasters so much. It actually plays to my strengths, not focusing on yet another weakness or flaw.

Here's my question for you...what are your strengths? Weaknesses? What do you want to work on? And do you like Wednesdays?!

What am I so afraid of?

I've thought about popping in here and jotting down a few things. And then a Friday turns into a Monday, turns into a Wednesday and I think "I'll get to it on the weekend". The weekend arrives and leaves, and as I'm crawling into bed Sunday night, I wonder what happened to another good intention. Another idea I've overlooked. Made excuses for. Passed by.

What am I so afraid of? The permanence of the words? Who even reads blogs anymore? Are they still a thing? I see them, so they must be, but I was never one to be up on the current trends. And what happens if someone, like you for example, does take a few minutes to read my rambling thoughts. What will happen? Maybe we'll start a conversation. Connect. Make a new friend. Reconnect with some old ones. It's a Devil-may-care world, this Blog-land, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Or is it ready for me?!

What to talk about? There's always my life. Still single...still have cats (2)...still living in my 106+ year old house, with the fence falling down and minor repairs required. Did I mention still single?? So that means I'm doing the minor repairs, or at least attempting to learn what I can. Maybe that's why I was also drawn to the part-time job at Home Depot. That, and I really do like the colour orange. I am still working in the banking industry, having recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary. And I am still working on pushing my entrepreneurial self out from behind my employee self. It has been a struggle, but I am also determined (read: stubborn) enough to make this work. That and the company direction is so exciting right now, especially after we got married in March. Wait, didn't I say I was single?! Yes, NOT that kind of married! In fact, that's a great post for another day. I haven't been to crossfit for a while (yet another post idea) but I am still a WW member (can't remember if we're actually allowed to call it Weight Watchers anymore) and continue to work on my personal health and wellness. All in all, much of my life is the same as it was. Hopefully a bit more interesting though. I've made new friends along the way and did some traveling throughout. Not a bad existence, now that I stop to think about it.

So the long and the short of it, is I am back. I will WILL write at least one post a week, as I think weekly is a great place to start. Let me know if there is something specific you'd be interested in. While I do not claim to know everything, I am great at research and am a graduate of MSU (Making $hit Up).

So...hi. My name is Carol, and I hope we can become friends.

With gratitude,
C.

Procrastination

I am certain that if an award was ever handed out for the Queen of Procrastination, I would win, hands down. Granted, it goes without saying that a group of procrastinators most likely wouldn't get it together to actually present such an award...or at the very least, the 2018 win would be handed out sometime in 2020 or so.

All joking aside, why is I can find a million things to do to take me away from what I need to do. It's not that what I need to do is that hard. Or painful. Doesn't cost me anything...if anything, it'll earn me money but still I digress. I putter...decide at that specific moment to reorganize my already messy table, to neater messy piles. I decide I need to get my tax stuff together. Don't have the tax documents yet, but now at least I'm ready to fill in the blanks when I do!

Heck, as you can see by the last post, I even found other things to do whenever I thought about updating the blog! I win, I tell you...I win.

 What have I been doing for the past two months? Well, Christmas came and went, as did New Years. Hope it was great for everyone. Really quiet for me, but that's all right too. New Years was spent with friends after the Resolution Run. It was cold AF this year, so I hung around inside and helped out where I could. Then off to the Barley Mill for half price wine (SCORE!!) and chicken wings, and ringing in another year.

January flew by and here we are at February already. Where does the time go? Oh yeah, I was probably finding something else to do!

I believe the only way to prevent further procrastinating is, to quote Nike, JUST DO IT. Pick up that pen, make that phone call, hit send on the email...whatever it takes. 

Heading to Vegas in a month, for our West Conference. Excited, as I'm heading down and meeting up with a great group of friends, but I'm also dreading it, as I haven't rank advanced as I had planned (stupid procrast...hell, I don't even want to spell the word anymore!), and the finances are a little stretched this year. But got a good deal on airfare, and we'll bunk like we're 16 again in the rooms, and it's a fast trip. In and out in 3 days. But lots to learn, so can't wait. Also enjoying a party the first night with Phyllis, the lovely lady that invented our product. She has used the product on one hand only for the past 15+ years, and having seen the hands up close, it's amazing. While Phyllis is in her 70s, her one hand looks half that age. Joined in the #handsupchallenge myself, and I can already see a difference in colour and tone between the two, and it's only been a week or so. Can't wait to see (and share) the difference at the end of the month.

What I really need to do is break free of the employee mindset, where I look for the instructions if you will, of what to do, what is expected, when to do it, etc. Or, if that seems too frightening, then maybe I need to become my own manager, and tell myself what to do, where to do it, when, etc. I already have many voices in my head...what's one more?

Sorry for the ramble, but I am happy I posted tonight. I won't make any radical promises, but I am aiming for this to be a regular thing going forward. 

Thank you for reading.

Much gratitude,

Carol

Looking forward

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, goal setting seems to be a key part of everything. From small goals of not buying a bag of cookies when you run into the store for that carton of milk, or when you do find the cookies have somehow made their way into your home, setting the goal of not eating them all in one sitting. Taking a 15 minute break in between mindless chewing counts, right??

That being said, goals are important. Otherwise, how on earth do you know when you're done. Or why you're even completing said task in the first place. For example...why on earth would anyone run for 6+ hours, straight, if there wasn't some sort of sick, twisted goal of being able to say "I ran a marathon". Thought the once was bad enough, but I kept tweaking my goal, as in "I will run a marathon faster, or I will qualify for Boston". I did run a couple faster...I ran quite a few slower, and with several, I seemed content to meet my initial time of 6:28 and change. But I could say I did it, right? And mark that goal with a triumphant strike of my imaginary sharpie! Never did manage a Boston-qualifying time, not even if I add many years to the age category (crap) and now that I no longer run, that goal is moot.


CrossFit is a great place for goal setting and crushing them. First unassisted pull-up...lifting PRs set and knocked down, only to be reset and refocused. The mystical double-under. Although some days that last one seems as attainable as a BQ time!

But is it enough to merely set a goal? Say it out loud or write it down? After all, if it's written down, it must be true, right?? At what point does a goal have to turn into a plan. What comes first?? The Plan or the Goal? Can you have one without the other?? I can say I wanted a BQ time every day. Some days I'm pretty sure that's what I did. But what did I do to achieve that goal? How did I break it down, so that I could meet my target? Did I make a SMART goal? In hindsight, no. It may have been specific and measurable, but honestly was it attainable for the type of runner I was at the time? I was not fast...ever. Still haven't managed to break a 30-minute 5k, which makes a sub-4 hour marathon quite daunting. And last I checked, Boston does not allow roller-skates on the course. Oop...new goal...learn how to skate! So not very realistic, and I never said when I was going to reach this goal. Having no timeline to stick to...well, that always made it easy to say "next race". In 2013, when my body proclaimed in no uncertain terms that it was done with running, so went my Boston dreams. I can still go and cheer on other runners of course, but deep down, I will always carry a twinge of regret for what might have been.

Back to reality...we had a great get-together with the team this afternoon, to discuss goal setting and what we want from 2018. Where do I see myself and my business next year, which is only 29 sleeps away! We didn't really get into specifics there, but it is something I need to nail down over the next few weeks. And I think that's the key to goal-setting. It's not enough to say what you want...you have to follow that up with how. In addition to it being Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Timely, having a plan of tasks, or even sub-goals is helpful in goal-setting.

While I kick around the details, here's some snippets: I will read at least one of the many personal growth books I have piled on the table. They are not being absorbed via osmosis, sadly, so have scheduled reading time every evening (which may also help with my personal sleep goal, as it'll be part of my nightly wind-down). Breaking the goal into smaller chunks helps in so many ways. First, it doesn't seem so daunting. After all, saying I will rank to Platinum is scary, especially if I don't make that goal. But what will happen if I fail? Will the world stop turning on it's axis? Will the sun cease to rise in the east? I don't think so, but I will be disappointed in myself.

Goal # 1, schedule my reading time, and pick the first book. I am just finishing up Bad-A$$ (kind of stuck in the final money chapters...who knew?!), but really want to get into the High Performance Habits, after hearing Brendon Buchard speak at GoPro Mastery. I will finish this one by the end of December.

Goal # 2: go through my back-office (online) and clean up the clutter. I need a clear vision of my tree, and where to focus. I want to WILL earn a steady income from this business, and it's not going to happen if I just think happy thoughts about it. I've got to put some motion in my emotion (thank you Tony Robbins!).

Goal # 3: morning meditation. I've been watching/listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza Breaking the Habit of being yourself every day, and realize that I am in a serious rut. Same old, day in and day out. Time to shake things up. Now, since I also admit to having the attention span of a gnat, I will start small, aiming for a 2-5 minute introspective to start my day.

I still have plenty of work to do here, breaking down the larger 2018 goal of rank advancement. And come up with a few for my personal life, such as the elusive double-under, and my Weight Watchers target. But it's getting late, and sitting here typing is not helping me wind-down and prepare for sleep. I'll leave you with this.

Thank you for reading.

Much love,
Carol

The 1st week of rest of my life

It's been quite a week. Returning from Las Vegas on Sunday with heading pounding, over-loaded with information, ideas and inspiration - and a cold virus, as it would turn out - I knew I wanted to look at my network marketing business - heck, my LIFE - through different eyes. The GoPro Marketing Mastery event was mind-numbing, as I struggled to keep up with my own frantic notes, leaping about in frenzied enthusiasm, laughing, crying, yelling and dancing around to the Pitbull concert that happened on the last night. So much fun, I can't wait to do it all again next year. To quote Eric Worre, "say yes, tell the world and figure it out".

Let me back up a little. As mentioned last week, I ventured into the network marketing in the fall last year. I did the "home business/direct sales" before, and despite quitting it 5 years ago after failing forward year after year (and I still have product lying around - see below), I was intrigued by this company, its product and format, mainly because I didn't need to carry inventory. I don't have to schlep product to and from home parties, and I don't have meet minimum sales targets. Not to say that I don't like what I used to sell, because I still do. My pantry is also full of everything I love to use daily. This is just what I had on hand for demonstrations, customer one-off orders, product changes, etc. It was EVERYWHERE.

Fast forward 5 years, and I think I've definitely grown as a person and am looking at this industry differently now. But I still may not have fully "bought-in" at the beginning. I've read the books, I go to the team events and weekly Zooms, and yet I struggled. The odd customer purchase here or there, but I had yet to really build my team. I watch others do it, seemingly with ease, and I was still here, stuck at Go.

I do have 54 years of my parents drilling the employee mindset into me, as most my age do. Get a good job, do a good job, retire from that job and die happy. But that whole world is changing, and it's not quite that cut and dry anymore. Companies come and go at an alarming rate. Industries that don't evolve cease to exist. Technology moves faster than most of us can keep up. Hell, Sears, the store that practically invented "online shopping" with their Wish Book have closed, citing online shopping as the reason. Ironic. I know more people that have changed jobs/companies/education, not because they wanted to, but because the change was forced upon them. I still flashback to the utter shock of having the rug pulled out from under me last spring. The lure of a steady, consistent pay-cheque, benefits and pension is that fat, juicy worm on the hook most of us bite at desperately. But is that our reality these days? Most get hired as contract, so that corporations can avoid the high benefit/pension costs associated with salaried staff. Loyalty from either employee or employer is low (not to be confused with engagement) - it's rare to hear of anyone who has worked for only one employer from start to finish. Heck, you get excited when people hit the 5 year mark, rather than 20, 30 or God forbid, 40 years of the past.

So how is Network Marketing different? Tapping into the entrepreneurial spirit that lurks in us all (who hasn't had the lemonade stand, or charged for a magic show in the backyard?), and using the technology that scares most brick and mortar industries, it gives those ready for a change the opportunity to drive that change. Residual income replaces pensions, and while there are no benefits per say, the desire of a high enough income that those costs don't matter. Loyalty can still up in the air, as many change companies or focus, but I learned earlier this year that my team have my back and believe in me, even when I don't. We are, after all, pulling in the same direction. There isn't that nagging feeling of someone out for your job or promotion. We celebrate each other victories and help out when we struggle.

{the Canadian team representing in Vegas}

It may have been the cold virus, or the glow of three days of laughing, crying, screaming, laughing even harder, and more "ah-ha" moments then I can count, but I feel like I came back a different person. I'm no longer shy about saying I'm a network marketer. For the first time, I had more customer sales than ever. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's not work that I'm really that afraid of anymore.

{face of determination}

My goal for this week: review my notes from Vegas, start one of the many books I have stacked up (maybe Beach Monday, by Jordan Adler, who also spoke at GoPro) and continue to build my business. I want to be Platinum ranked by conference in March, and also have a good amount of funds in the bank by then to have some fun. I vowed I'd ride the Freemont Street zipline then, and I'd also like to get some new clothes for the spring and summer months.

It's been busy week, with another fun-filled day of training yesterday and cheering on all the fitness at the Battle at the Barracks today. No volunteering this time around, just went to watch. And it was fun! I've made soup for the week and oatmeal with PB and banana, so meals are also ready to roll. I like being able to grab and go in the morning. Makes changing someone's life for the better that much easier when I don't have to worry about what to eat!!

Much love and thanks for reading,

Carol

New beginnings...a year later

Hi...my name is Carol and I'm a horrible blogger. Maybe I'm not so bad at the actual story or typing part, but I certainly lack in consistency. I'm aiming to change that here and now.

So what has changed, besides the blog name? Which by the way, if you were looking for Go Lift Something Heavy and you couldn't find the post from January 2016, I'm sorry to disappoint you but it was time for a refresh. So much has happened in my world since then, personally and professionally, it was time. I still love CrossFit with all my heart (I have the callouses to prove it), still go to Weight Watchers weekly and still live my cats in my little house...wait, what's changed exactly?!

The biggest jolt to my world came April 2016. I was at work at 7 am like normal but by 8:30 I was back home, on my couch, clutching the white envelope that held my past/future and wondered what the eff just happened?! I didn't work oil and gas for this very reason. Hell, I avoided oil and gas for this very reason, and yet, after 16 years, Shaw laid me off. Told me I was a good employee but my job was redundant (all I heard was I was redundant) and to have a nice life. Took a while to recover from that.

After enjoying the summer off of work (my garden looked great, for once), first time in almost 40 years.

I soon realized the money was quickly running out and I needed a job. Truth be told, job-hunting was something I haven't really done since I was 16. I worked for Scotiabank for 18 years, starting a posting I got through my Mom, who also worked there. Left them to go work with a friend, who knew her small company was hiring. Left that job when the company was threatening to close and found the Shaw job through a coworker connection. This was a whole new world and it scared the crap out of me!! Trouble with job-hunting in Calgary last year was it wasn't just you and handful of people applying for jobs...it was you and 10,000+ applying for those jobs. Every job. And I really don't know what I know, you know?! I mean to say, I really don't have a formal education. Yes, I went to college and I have a diploma from 1984 in an industry I have yet to work a full day in (Public Relations). No letters of the alphabet follow my name, and everything I learned I learned by doing it. I'm also in my fifties - that whole 'old dog, new tricks' comes to mind. I was not feeling great, but luckily the "who you know" factor came into play, and I am back working with the gentleman who originally hired me at Shaw. Back in the banking industry, behind the scenes this time and learning that a few things have changed over the past 20 years. Smaller and Alberta only, but with an amazing culture and atmosphere. Makes going to work every day fun again.

Needless to say 2016 was not my favourite year. Family strife intensified to the point of breaking, I lost my beloved Simon, my last connection to Mom and Dad, and I was out of work for most of the year.

But there were happy times as well. Another glorious 5 days at Assiniboine Lodge, the most beautiful spot on earth, spent with a lovely group of ladies hiking, drinking wine and laughing ourselves silly.

I continue to make small gains at CrossFit, but the double-under and pull-up continue to elude me. There's many more moves on the goat list, but small victories, right?

I also rescued a giant orange fluffball named Kosmo. Funny how the power of social media works. There I was, sitting on the couch planning my day, when his face popped up on the Twitter feed, from the Calgary Humane Society. "Kosmo has been here for 6 months and would love a fur-ever home"...damn it, they had me at that face! I literally put down my phone, picked up my purse and cat carrier, drove straight there and within an hour, had him home. Sadly he and Maggie don't quite get along (I think it's his size that frightens her) but I have high hopes that I'll walk in one day to find the two of them cuddled up together. Maybe.

One of the biggest changes in 2016 though was joining up with an amazing group of people, taking control of my future. I don't ever want to be in the position of no job/no income again, so I have entered the world of network marketing. I've done the direct sales/home party business before, but this one is so very different. From the organization through every rank, I've met wonderful, uplifting people and made some amazing friends. We support each other, and have an absolute blast along the way. I've been to Houston, and just returned from a weekend in Vegas with these crazies, and am in awe of all of them. Building my team, and plotting my course. I said yes, and I AM a force to be reckoned with.

Can't believe 2018 is only 40 days away. FORTY!! What fabulous plans do you have for the rest of 2017?

Thank you for your time, much love.
Carol

PRs, RX, meal prep and time travel

Where on earth did the past 3 weeks go? So much for being more consistent with blogging, right? I was also posting a gratitude daily on Facebook, but that has also fallen to the side.  So just what have I been doing with my days?

I started a journal, but not one in the traditional sense. Every time I've tried in the past, I write a few pages and then nothing. My OCD tendencies demand a new book every time I try, so there's always a pile of partially completed journals lying around, and no real thoughts written down. So I was intrigued when I found this one.

The Five-Minute journal - write down 3 things you are grateful for first thing in the day, 3 things that will make the day great and a daily affirmation.  Then, before you go to bed, you jot down 3 amazing things that happened during the day, and one thing that maybe you would have liked to have gone better.  Grand total = 5 minutes.  So far, I've completed it every day...starting a good habit.

I've also been pretty consistent with the walking to/from work, only jumping in a car2go a couple of times. And same with crossfit. I've managing about 5 times a week right now, and even though I look at some of the workouts with dread, I go anyway. Well, unless it involves skipping...then I tend to be a bit more choosy.  My ankle hates me after all that jumping around, and I still can't do a double-under to save my life! I suppose if I practiced more...sigh...guess no more cherry-picking over those days, huh?

This was a great week, as I PRd twice (personal record), and RXd (completed as prescribed) another. The first PR was the snatch, a move I struggle with, so I was doubly proud of the 57.5#. Especially since I almost didn't go, as I really don't like this move. I pull too much and bend my arms too soon, but practice makes perfect, right? The other was a dead-lift, which is a move I actually enjoy. My ultimate goal is body weight, so the goal is to drop that, while raising the weights lifting and meet in the middle. In the meantime, I'll take the 165# - there was jumping around and ringing of PR bells! Lots of sweating as well, as the metcon (cardio) portions of the WODs have been killer.

After crossfit yesterday morning, I went to the grocery store and stocked up for my week. I may need to sell a kidney if I insist on eating cauliflower! But today has been spent prepping meals, and planning, laundry, washing dishes and getting ready for the week ahead. After a full day, I have salmon, chicken, roasted butternut squash, cauliflower rice, Asian chicken and beef "chili" and home-made almond butter. There are now 4 lunches, 6 evening meals, snacks and fruit ready for my week. My fridge looks very stocked and ready to roll.

Time to empty the dryer and clean up the dishes remaining in the sink. I'm going into this next week with clean sinks, counter-tops and clothes. That should leave the evenings for crossfit, catching up on some reading and early to bed. No muss, no fuss!

There isn't anything more to say...

With gratitude,
Carol

The first Monday of the new year, EVER

It's always interesting how busy everything gets, that first Monday of the new year. The office was crowded and loud, after a week of skeleton staff. The cafeteria line up was longer at the microwaves than it was at the grills and I even had company on my walk in at 6:30 this morning. The kicker was crossfit - it was PACKED. I had decided earlier today to commit myself to the full week, so I reserved my space at 5 pm every night. I'm guessing it'll be like this for the next few weeks.

I started this week ready to roll. Yesterday was spent in the kitchen, roasting a half a salmon, mixed vegetables (cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, zucchini and carrots) as well as making a pork stew in the slow cooker.  I have 4 containers ready, as well as two portions of the pork.  Tonight, the chicken I bought went in the oven, and is also ready for a quick grab and go meal.  I think that is the key...when I get home from working out, all hangry, the last thing I want to do is start cooking supper. Two minutes to heat up and I'm eating. That makes for a happy Carol.

Crossfit was fun, given my leg was still crabby from the New Years shenanigans. Didn't help that I have a blister from my walk to work this morning, so that was changing my gait and causing more aches and pain. But crossfit beckoned, so off I went. Power cleans - I am getting better at those, but I still pull too much with my arms and don't trust my hips enough. I did manage to lift 90#, but failed on the 92.5#. Next time!  The metcon (cardio) portion was fast and furious. In 8 minutes do as many rounds as possible, with each round consisting of 6 clean & jerks (weight from the floor to your shoulders, and then jerk it over head), 9 chest to bar pull-ups (yup, exactly as it sounds) and 12 box jumps. The prescribed weight was 95# for women, but since I just failed at less than that, it was time to modify. I tried 65# but decided to work on form, so dropped to 55#.  Ring rows replaced the C2B that I can't do (yet) and my "box" was 10" of stacked weight plates.  Managed 2 full rounds, and almost completed round 3...damn, 8 minutes is FAST.

Home, ate, cooked the chicken, did my plank challenge and attempted some pull-ups. Time to update here, and then wash my face, floss and to bed nice and early. Mr. Fitbit likes to remind me that I average 4.5 hours a night, so something else I need to work on. Trying to set some good habits, so the next 21 days are key.

Happy Monday, everyone.

With gratitude,
Carol

Hello Blog? It's me...Carol...long time, no type.

Where have I been for the past 17 months...SEVENTEEN MONTHS!!  I could say I was on an island counting endangered fish, or off in the far north living with wolves, but it would all be lies. Truth is I got in trouble for blogging at lunch (pushed the envelope a bit there, I suppose) and as a result, I reacted as I usually do, blow it completely out of proportion and ran away. Far away. Technically, I didn't actually leave, but I did drop a lot of my routine. Last year was the year of the struggle: I struggled with the fallout of Mom passing, the resulting family strife, settling into being a home-owner, usual weight BS and work that wasn't as easy as it used to be. It was not a good place to be and I needed to work my way out of it, on my own.

Fast forward a few months and suddenly I'm starting to feel like myself again. Work seems to be clicking again, home life is the usual but I like that. Sadly I lost one of my fur-babies over the summer, so it's just me, Maggie May and Simon.  Although I do keep looking at kijiji at cute little kittens...I want one of every colour and shape, which is dangerous.  Three is the Crazy Lady starter kit...more than that? Well, you know how that goes.

I still love Crossfit, although a bout of shingles in the spring (OMG, the commercials are right!  Get the shot!!!) and my other leg acting very arthritic for awhile has me kind of back at the beginning. Still can't do a lot of the moves, but I am determined to succeed. I have an amazing set of coaches, including Miss Emily Abbott (8th at the Games, on Team Canada at the Invitational), so I know one day I'll figure this all out. The weight loss journey has also been a little bumpy, but I am committed to that as well. I know that as long as I heft around the extra 60 pounds, the harder it will be for me to conquer a pull-up or handstand.

So, I thought it would be timely to revisit the blog. Get reacquainted with the blogs I followed before, and maybe find some ones to inspire me to continue to the light.  Post about my goats (crossfit goals), food and life again.  Get the jumble of words out of my brain and onto the page. "Better out than in, I always say" to quote Shrek!

It is the 3rd day of 2016, and to date I have committed to Whole30 for the month, posting a daily happening that I am grateful for, meditating and fitness. I've also started a 30 day squat, push-up, plank and pull-up challenge. Since the 1st, I've done 165 squats, 70 seconds of plank, 15 push-ups from the knees (goal is toes by the end of the month) and 5 jumping pull-ups with my freshly installed pull-up bar. I'm still a WW member, but I do need to sit down and really look at the new program and commit. I will say, I do like the Oprah ad, and feel quite inspired by her. This could will be my year.

Off to the kitchen to prep for the week...salmon in the oven, pork and sweet potato/butternut squash in the slow cooker, and a variety of vegetables chopped up and ready to roast. I purchased containers from Amazon, and find as long as I have dinner ready to grab and go (and that goes for breakfast and lunch), I make much better choices. And I throw out less, meaning less wasted food and money. This is also the year I get control of my finances.

My vision board:

So, hello to anyone reading. I hope we can reconnect and take this journey together.

With gratitude,
Carol

From the heart...

The class on Saturday at the Box can be quite large, usually around 40 of us getting our sweat on!  Sometimes Coach has team WODs, but they're usually a longer one, as we don't do any strength or movement WODs, as there just isn't the space.  This Saturday was no exception, as it was going to be a long one.  The difference was that this was for one of our own.

"Susan" - the deceased wife/mother of a member and their 5 children.  Gone far too soon, far too young and for all the wrong reasons.  The WOD was put together by another Box, where they used to be members, and since this was the 3rd anniversary of her passing, it seemed appropriate that we did it as a team for our member.  D's strength and composure at the beginning of class, explaining why and how the WOD came to be was inspirational.  How he held it together amazed me, as I (and many others) fought back tears of our own.

Now on to the WOD:

118:17 was a favourite psalm of hers.
Her birth month was 12
Her birthday was 13
and together she and D had 5 amazing, beautiful children.  We would soon begin to wonder why they didn't use birth control (HIS WORDS, not mine!!!).

I hate burpees...with a passion.  HATE THEM.  Add a broad-jump to the mix, and I am sooooooo unhappy.  Sadly my broad-jump is approximately 18cm in length.  Okay, maybe a whole foot, but that's pushing it!!  Realizing that a) there technically wasn't a time-cap and b) I had a 10:45 appointment, I gave up on the jumping and took 3 steps forward after each.  Still took me a good 10 minutes just to get the first round done.  Also didn't help that the field was wet from the previous night rain and filled with soggy poops from the critters that live in the area, and what you get is a whole bunch of slipping and "ewwws" from the crowd!

Back inside, I deadlifted 85# (which felt really heave at first, but got easier as I went along), jumped up on a 12" box (yay me!) and did my ring rows, which are getting stronger.  Hoping to be back on the bar soon.  Side note - bought myself a doorway rack so I can start working on pull-ups from home, even it means just practising my hold and working on my lat strength.  Having to go back outside for another 120,689 burpees was hard after the 5 rounds, but we all did it, with D encouraging us the whole way.  I forgot to look at the clock, but figure since the next class had started, it took me roughly 40 minutes to finish.  I understand he and his family (his children also crossfit) did the WOD at the 10am class, and did great.

After the WOD, and fitting that we were all sweaty, a group of us did the #ALSicebucketchallenge.  I don't have the video handy, but once I get a copy of it, I'll post it.  Quite a few of us did it as a train, so there were lots of screams and laughter.  Also donated to the Canadian chapter of ALS, but am happy to see all the money being raised everywhere.

Cleaned up and went to donate blood...was a little late, and the place was busy, which is a good thing!  Donation #52 went smoothly, and then I enjoyed my treat and bowl of soup.

Celebrated Coach B's 30th, although I noted I was graduated from college and looking for full-time work when he was born (yes, I am THAT old).  Got home late, after a long day, so basically spent all day yesterday lounging.  Did manage to change all the litter (someone explain to me why I want 3 cats?!) and a load of laundry, so I guess it wasn't a total write-off.

Happy Monday - looking forward to a week of awesome WODs, maybe a PR or two and the last long weekend of summer.

Now go lift something heavy!

Into the rabbit hole...

It's been a long couple of weeks since my last post, and one filled with highs and lows.  Since I want to end on a happy note, and I don't want to babble on too long, we'll start low.

{source}

Having walked out of the Box, all schweaty and high from achieving a PR in a clean & jerk, I was sitting in my car, ready to proudly post my accomplishment to Facebook, when the headlines caught my eye.  Instead of boasting, I sat in my car and cried.  Openly wept for a man and family that I had never met.  I loved Robin Williams...and I mean loved in that I wanted to marry him and bear him children.  And you all know how I feel about children!  My love was strong and from the first time I ever saw this amazingly talented man on Happy Days.  Yes, I am THAT old.  I watched Mork & Mindy every week, rented DVDs of Robin's stand-up (if you want to laugh till you stop breathing, find a copy of Robin Williams Live at the Met), went to his movies, screamed that he was robbed when he didn't win an academy award, screamed even louder when he did, paid a rather sizeable amount of money to go to an evening with him here in Calgary, alone because none of my friends thought it was worth that much, and loved the Crazy Ones, not only for him, but for the glimpses of Chicago, so I could say "I was there".  I am still saddened by his death, and not just for the fact that a brilliant, funny, caring, playful man has passed, but for the fixation around how he died, and trying to figure out the why.  It is not our place to know either.  Now, I don't dare compare myself to him in any way, but as someone who has fallen into the rabbit hole known as depression, I can speak for the reality of a disease that no one can see and that we don't have telethons or charity runs for.  "Snap out it" is often heard, and in my personal experience, there is a fear of even admitting it, for the stigma and shame that comes from being seen as weak. 

I was 34 when the spiral started, waking up on my birthday and realizing that I had just spent half of my life at the same job.  HALF!  I was not married, I was not dating, I didn't have children (in hindsight...phew), I didn't own my house...nothing of "where I should be" at that age was happening, and I bought into it.  I slowly lost interest in activities I used to love, and started to avoid situations where I would be in the light.  What I mean by that is even a simple night out with friends was to be avoided, because someone may look AT me and verify the thoughts that swirled around in my head...I was fat, I was ugly, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.  Depression is relentless...tapping away every.single.day until you just can't deal any more.  I was living in filth, refusing to let friends in to see the mess, and was relying on Cheetos and Coke as nutrition.  Friends mentioned that there was something amiss with me, but I brushed them off, thinking I was "just a little blue".  Besides, there were other people far worse than me that needed the help far more.  How would I deal with it if someone else couldn't get to see a doctor, because I was taking up their time?!  Besides, I haughtily thought "I would never commit suicide..."  You see, that's how my uncle passed, when I was very young.  The act itself didn't haunt me, but it was how he disappeared from the family...my father never spoke of him again.  That hit me hard, as I didn't ever want to be ignored like that.

Finally, I made that call.  The one that said "I need help".  And that started the slow journey back into the light.  After seeing a counsellor a few times, she made sure that I connected with a psychiatrist to get the proper medications I needed.  As they argued, when people say no to anti-depressants, would you deny a cast if you broke a leg?  Or insulin if you were diabetic?  If the answer is no to either, than taking meds for depression is no different.  I also took 6 months off work, went through a month long program at a local hospital and then the remainder of time in daily group therapy.  When my therapy was up, I was indeed better.  Cured?  Not likely, but better able to deal with situations and life's stresses.  I quit that job that I had for over 17 years, and after a brief stay with a small company, have been at my current employer for over 14 years now, loving what I do.  I finally own my own home, although there is nothing wrong with renting.  I'm still single but am okay with that too...especially after I hear of another's relationship hell.  Yes 2014 has kicked me, continuously it seems, and knocked me down, but what counts is that fact that I keep getting back up, dusting myself off and pointing myself forward.  I don't know the dark place Robin was in, nor dare I try to imagine it.  All I can do at this point is stay self-aware for my own warning signs and seek out the light, if I ever find myself balancing on the edge of that rabbit hole again.

Thank you for letting me get that out...I have felt out of sorts since his passing, and find that social media has not helped at all!!  Let us all leave him to rest in peace, finally, and leave his family to mourn and celebrate his life.  Let us all celebrate life!

Last week was a week of hard work and PRs for me...sweat angels, working on my form and celebrating the small victories like walking without a limp and push-ups from the ground, with a wrist that did not complain the whole time!  Forward into the light, people.

Add to this awesomeness are new shoes (and not the type people think!) and supple tigers!

Now go lift something heavy...and hug someone you love.  You never know if they need it or not.