Feeling FAT

There...I said it. Today I feel fat. Not sluggish, not bloated, not "off". F.A.T. And I have no one or nothing to blame but myself.

It's been building all month. I've openly and eagerly participated in all of the fund-raising food and beverage offerings we've had over the past couple of weeks. After all, it's for the children, right?! Texas donuts, bake sales, a candy buffet, BBQ hamburgers, beer, Baileys, more beer, even more beer, chips...it goes on and on. I did manage to get myself out for a couple of walks, but let's face it; at this point, it's like using a squirt gun to try and put out a campfire.

So what am I going to do about it? I did try pouting all night. Didn't really help much. I made the decision to not go to WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) tonight either. Yes, yes, I know...when I'm up, I need my meeting/workshop/whatever the hell they call it now, and when I'm down, they need me. I just didn't want to face the digital devil, the people, anyone really. After all, I've been doing this for so long, the very logical brain cell knows what to do. It's just on the run from the "I want to eat all the things and do nothing" mob of brain cells, hell bent on destroying it!! At least something in me is running!

Time to step back and look at my why. Why do I want to lose this weight? After wandering around Winners for a while tonight, trust me, vanity jumped to the front of the queue. I want to look good. I also noticed my right cankle is back...meaning my rheumatoid is making it's not-so-subtle reappearance. Cankles are sooooo sexy, aren't they? The good news is no pain. I am off my RA meds (with full permission of my Dr, thank you) and I'm going to do my best to not have to rely on them again. I think between all the standing this past week at the Depot, the sudden heat, and yes, my rather poor eating/drinking habits, it was just a matter of time till something like this happened. I'm quadrupling my anti-inflammatory/anti-oxidant supplements, as well as drinking my Pink Drink. I missed a couple of days here and there (mmmm...beer) so getting that habit re-established will help immensely. After all, I think that's a big reason for the initial remission.

But back to the why...vanity, health and quite frankly money. I should be rather tired by this point of WW being my favourite monthly donation!! I want to get to goal so that I don't have to pay anymore. There, I said it! So it is written, so it is done! Oh, to be THAT easy, huh?

I hate to say there's one more day of debauchery, but we are taking a team member out for her retirement lunch tomorrow...yes, to a pub. Yes, there will be beer. And most likely deep-fried things. But June dawns on Saturday, and that's as good a day as any to take those first healthy steps back into program.

To assist me along the way, I do have another set of books to read. I've been hearing all lot about Rachel Hollis lately that I decided on a couple of her books, as well as a working journal. Anything to trigger me into action. I am still reading carrying around the Big Leap, but will add these to the pile.

Time to settle down for the night. If you are in Alberta, watch that smoke intake. I hate to have to close the windows, but it smells like a campfire in here, and my sinuses have put up some rather solid blockades!! Pray for some rain (NO lightning, please) so we can get the evacuees back home.

Thank you for reading,
Carol W.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

You know when you are watching a scary movie, and one of the characters is about to go outside, and you yell at the screen "don't do it!", because you know exactly what is going to happen?? Yeah, my weight journey lately has been that scary movie!!  "Don't eat that!!" I scream, and yet I eat it. "Get up and move!", I yell. And yet, I sit or worse, nap. I know better...I've been a member of WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) for longer than some members there have been alive, and yet I seem determined to self-sabotage myself at every turn and never reach goal.

Take today...well, this week, actually. I've watched my weight bounce around all week, and yet I just had to have the mini-cupcake yesterday (it was someone's birthday, rude not to, am I right?), or the new Oreo PB and Chocolate flavour. Just had to try it. After all, never, ever been a fan of Oreos, but that didn't stop me from trying, buying and eating an entire package myself. Seriously...what is wrong with me?!?!?

I am an emotional eater. Trouble is, the emotion doesn't have to be a negative one. Happy...sad...angry...stressed...bored...all excuses to shovel something into my mouth. And let's be honest here. It is NEVER a carrot or an apple that I am reaching for. Someone suggested that tonight at the workshop (formally known as meeting). Instead of the chocolate sprinkles Texas donut, grab an apple instead. Sure...that's happening!!

I did manage to go for a bit of a walk today, of which I am proud of. I used to walk every day at lunch, and then used snow, rain, wind and work as convenient excuses as to why I couldn't. That stops now. I feel like crap. Seriously like a pile of poo. Not enjoying my reflection in the mirror. Not feeling so awesome about myself. What have you to say about that, Dr. Hendricks? How is The Big Leap going to help me overcome my weight issues? He does say that the intention of the book is to "show me exactly how to free myself from the self-imposed limitation that is keeping me from my ultimate success". Guess I'd better read some more!

Do you self-sabotage? How do you break the cycle or habit? Looking for any and all ideas. I need to change something - a fresh perspective would be great!

As always, thank you for reading.

Carol W.