From the heart...

The class on Saturday at the Box can be quite large, usually around 40 of us getting our sweat on!  Sometimes Coach has team WODs, but they're usually a longer one, as we don't do any strength or movement WODs, as there just isn't the space.  This Saturday was no exception, as it was going to be a long one.  The difference was that this was for one of our own.

"Susan" - the deceased wife/mother of a member and their 5 children.  Gone far too soon, far too young and for all the wrong reasons.  The WOD was put together by another Box, where they used to be members, and since this was the 3rd anniversary of her passing, it seemed appropriate that we did it as a team for our member.  D's strength and composure at the beginning of class, explaining why and how the WOD came to be was inspirational.  How he held it together amazed me, as I (and many others) fought back tears of our own.

Now on to the WOD:

118:17 was a favourite psalm of hers.
Her birth month was 12
Her birthday was 13
and together she and D had 5 amazing, beautiful children.  We would soon begin to wonder why they didn't use birth control (HIS WORDS, not mine!!!).

I hate burpees...with a passion.  HATE THEM.  Add a broad-jump to the mix, and I am sooooooo unhappy.  Sadly my broad-jump is approximately 18cm in length.  Okay, maybe a whole foot, but that's pushing it!!  Realizing that a) there technically wasn't a time-cap and b) I had a 10:45 appointment, I gave up on the jumping and took 3 steps forward after each.  Still took me a good 10 minutes just to get the first round done.  Also didn't help that the field was wet from the previous night rain and filled with soggy poops from the critters that live in the area, and what you get is a whole bunch of slipping and "ewwws" from the crowd!

Back inside, I deadlifted 85# (which felt really heave at first, but got easier as I went along), jumped up on a 12" box (yay me!) and did my ring rows, which are getting stronger.  Hoping to be back on the bar soon.  Side note - bought myself a doorway rack so I can start working on pull-ups from home, even it means just practising my hold and working on my lat strength.  Having to go back outside for another 120,689 burpees was hard after the 5 rounds, but we all did it, with D encouraging us the whole way.  I forgot to look at the clock, but figure since the next class had started, it took me roughly 40 minutes to finish.  I understand he and his family (his children also crossfit) did the WOD at the 10am class, and did great.

After the WOD, and fitting that we were all sweaty, a group of us did the #ALSicebucketchallenge.  I don't have the video handy, but once I get a copy of it, I'll post it.  Quite a few of us did it as a train, so there were lots of screams and laughter.  Also donated to the Canadian chapter of ALS, but am happy to see all the money being raised everywhere.

Cleaned up and went to donate blood...was a little late, and the place was busy, which is a good thing!  Donation #52 went smoothly, and then I enjoyed my treat and bowl of soup.

Celebrated Coach B's 30th, although I noted I was graduated from college and looking for full-time work when he was born (yes, I am THAT old).  Got home late, after a long day, so basically spent all day yesterday lounging.  Did manage to change all the litter (someone explain to me why I want 3 cats?!) and a load of laundry, so I guess it wasn't a total write-off.

Happy Monday - looking forward to a week of awesome WODs, maybe a PR or two and the last long weekend of summer.

Now go lift something heavy!

Into the rabbit hole...

It's been a long couple of weeks since my last post, and one filled with highs and lows.  Since I want to end on a happy note, and I don't want to babble on too long, we'll start low.

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Having walked out of the Box, all schweaty and high from achieving a PR in a clean & jerk, I was sitting in my car, ready to proudly post my accomplishment to Facebook, when the headlines caught my eye.  Instead of boasting, I sat in my car and cried.  Openly wept for a man and family that I had never met.  I loved Robin Williams...and I mean loved in that I wanted to marry him and bear him children.  And you all know how I feel about children!  My love was strong and from the first time I ever saw this amazingly talented man on Happy Days.  Yes, I am THAT old.  I watched Mork & Mindy every week, rented DVDs of Robin's stand-up (if you want to laugh till you stop breathing, find a copy of Robin Williams Live at the Met), went to his movies, screamed that he was robbed when he didn't win an academy award, screamed even louder when he did, paid a rather sizeable amount of money to go to an evening with him here in Calgary, alone because none of my friends thought it was worth that much, and loved the Crazy Ones, not only for him, but for the glimpses of Chicago, so I could say "I was there".  I am still saddened by his death, and not just for the fact that a brilliant, funny, caring, playful man has passed, but for the fixation around how he died, and trying to figure out the why.  It is not our place to know either.  Now, I don't dare compare myself to him in any way, but as someone who has fallen into the rabbit hole known as depression, I can speak for the reality of a disease that no one can see and that we don't have telethons or charity runs for.  "Snap out it" is often heard, and in my personal experience, there is a fear of even admitting it, for the stigma and shame that comes from being seen as weak. 

I was 34 when the spiral started, waking up on my birthday and realizing that I had just spent half of my life at the same job.  HALF!  I was not married, I was not dating, I didn't have children (in hindsight...phew), I didn't own my house...nothing of "where I should be" at that age was happening, and I bought into it.  I slowly lost interest in activities I used to love, and started to avoid situations where I would be in the light.  What I mean by that is even a simple night out with friends was to be avoided, because someone may look AT me and verify the thoughts that swirled around in my head...I was fat, I was ugly, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life.  Depression is relentless...tapping away every.single.day until you just can't deal any more.  I was living in filth, refusing to let friends in to see the mess, and was relying on Cheetos and Coke as nutrition.  Friends mentioned that there was something amiss with me, but I brushed them off, thinking I was "just a little blue".  Besides, there were other people far worse than me that needed the help far more.  How would I deal with it if someone else couldn't get to see a doctor, because I was taking up their time?!  Besides, I haughtily thought "I would never commit suicide..."  You see, that's how my uncle passed, when I was very young.  The act itself didn't haunt me, but it was how he disappeared from the family...my father never spoke of him again.  That hit me hard, as I didn't ever want to be ignored like that.

Finally, I made that call.  The one that said "I need help".  And that started the slow journey back into the light.  After seeing a counsellor a few times, she made sure that I connected with a psychiatrist to get the proper medications I needed.  As they argued, when people say no to anti-depressants, would you deny a cast if you broke a leg?  Or insulin if you were diabetic?  If the answer is no to either, than taking meds for depression is no different.  I also took 6 months off work, went through a month long program at a local hospital and then the remainder of time in daily group therapy.  When my therapy was up, I was indeed better.  Cured?  Not likely, but better able to deal with situations and life's stresses.  I quit that job that I had for over 17 years, and after a brief stay with a small company, have been at my current employer for over 14 years now, loving what I do.  I finally own my own home, although there is nothing wrong with renting.  I'm still single but am okay with that too...especially after I hear of another's relationship hell.  Yes 2014 has kicked me, continuously it seems, and knocked me down, but what counts is that fact that I keep getting back up, dusting myself off and pointing myself forward.  I don't know the dark place Robin was in, nor dare I try to imagine it.  All I can do at this point is stay self-aware for my own warning signs and seek out the light, if I ever find myself balancing on the edge of that rabbit hole again.

Thank you for letting me get that out...I have felt out of sorts since his passing, and find that social media has not helped at all!!  Let us all leave him to rest in peace, finally, and leave his family to mourn and celebrate his life.  Let us all celebrate life!

Last week was a week of hard work and PRs for me...sweat angels, working on my form and celebrating the small victories like walking without a limp and push-ups from the ground, with a wrist that did not complain the whole time!  Forward into the light, people.

Add to this awesomeness are new shoes (and not the type people think!) and supple tigers!

Now go lift something heavy...and hug someone you love.  You never know if they need it or not.

Best Week Ever

I don't know if it's a result of the shot of Enbrel or the Plaquenil (although it can take 6 weeks to kick in) or just the fact that what ails me now has a name, but this is honestly the best I have felt in over a year.  OVER.A.YEAR!!!!  Springing out of bed, increasing the weights at Crossfit, walking practically limp-free.  What a concept!

Or maybe it's just because I wake up to this face every morning!

OMG - I forgot how much energy the young ones have, and she is a spitfire!  But she also purrs like a chainsaw, and snuggles (when she wants to) for kisses.  She absolutely loves her big brothers Simon and Myles, although I'm not entirely sure the feelings are mutual!  Myles seems to tolerate her, at best, while Simon loves to pin her down and give her a good cleaning...tasting...let's go with cleaning!  She makes me giggle, and has helped with the loss of my Giorgio.

 Myles and the "chase the tail game"

Simon, pre-cleaning

As mentioned, I've been back to CrossFit with a vengeance, and have been slowly adding the weights back.  Baby steps...

 Got up to 65# with the max effort thrusters.  Cleaned 70#, but just couldn't push it up (yet!).  Stuck with 55# for the push-press, and stacked 3 45# plates for my "box jumps"...however, I freaked myself out, so dropped to two.  That equalled a jump of roughly 8".  Managed 4 full rounds in the 12 minutes, so I was pretty happy.

Since I don't recall my max effort for either the front or back squats, I've basically been going with 100# and back-tracking from there.  So, did an 85# back squat, and it felt pretty good.  Not sure if I'm quite getting deep enough, need to work on that, but feeling strong again.  As for the time portion, burpees are my kriptonite!  I HATE them...that isn't even strong enough to describe the feelings I have for that move.  But, if I want to be a CrossFitter, I will have to put up with burpees.  They definitely slow me down, so I got through everything but the push-ups before the 12 minutes were up.  Oh well.

Forgot a shot of Saturdays workout, but it was Angie.  I actually don't mind this one, save for the pull-ups portion, but with a 40 minute time cap, I decided to do Half Angie.  Still doing the ring rows, but hope to be back to the pull-up bar/bands soon.  Push-ups off the box are helping with my form, although Coach Bradford did come over (you get very nervous whenever you spy Coach Bradford coming at you from across the Box!) and corrected my form.  Managed to do Half in just over 20 minutes!

Spent the long weekend relaxing, as long weekends are meant to be spent. Reunited with old friends, some of whom I haven't seen in 5+ years.  Saw a few shows (Wicked and Avenue Q - highly recommend both), ate at some great restaurants, drank some nice wine.  And here it is Hump Day already.  Long short work weeks!

Now go lift something heavy!