Feeling FAT

There...I said it. Today I feel fat. Not sluggish, not bloated, not "off". F.A.T. And I have no one or nothing to blame but myself.

It's been building all month. I've openly and eagerly participated in all of the fund-raising food and beverage offerings we've had over the past couple of weeks. After all, it's for the children, right?! Texas donuts, bake sales, a candy buffet, BBQ hamburgers, beer, Baileys, more beer, even more beer, chips...it goes on and on. I did manage to get myself out for a couple of walks, but let's face it; at this point, it's like using a squirt gun to try and put out a campfire.

So what am I going to do about it? I did try pouting all night. Didn't really help much. I made the decision to not go to WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) tonight either. Yes, yes, I know...when I'm up, I need my meeting/workshop/whatever the hell they call it now, and when I'm down, they need me. I just didn't want to face the digital devil, the people, anyone really. After all, I've been doing this for so long, the very logical brain cell knows what to do. It's just on the run from the "I want to eat all the things and do nothing" mob of brain cells, hell bent on destroying it!! At least something in me is running!

Time to step back and look at my why. Why do I want to lose this weight? After wandering around Winners for a while tonight, trust me, vanity jumped to the front of the queue. I want to look good. I also noticed my right cankle is back...meaning my rheumatoid is making it's not-so-subtle reappearance. Cankles are sooooo sexy, aren't they? The good news is no pain. I am off my RA meds (with full permission of my Dr, thank you) and I'm going to do my best to not have to rely on them again. I think between all the standing this past week at the Depot, the sudden heat, and yes, my rather poor eating/drinking habits, it was just a matter of time till something like this happened. I'm quadrupling my anti-inflammatory/anti-oxidant supplements, as well as drinking my Pink Drink. I missed a couple of days here and there (mmmm...beer) so getting that habit re-established will help immensely. After all, I think that's a big reason for the initial remission.

But back to the why...vanity, health and quite frankly money. I should be rather tired by this point of WW being my favourite monthly donation!! I want to get to goal so that I don't have to pay anymore. There, I said it! So it is written, so it is done! Oh, to be THAT easy, huh?

I hate to say there's one more day of debauchery, but we are taking a team member out for her retirement lunch tomorrow...yes, to a pub. Yes, there will be beer. And most likely deep-fried things. But June dawns on Saturday, and that's as good a day as any to take those first healthy steps back into program.

To assist me along the way, I do have another set of books to read. I've been hearing all lot about Rachel Hollis lately that I decided on a couple of her books, as well as a working journal. Anything to trigger me into action. I am still reading carrying around the Big Leap, but will add these to the pile.

Time to settle down for the night. If you are in Alberta, watch that smoke intake. I hate to have to close the windows, but it smells like a campfire in here, and my sinuses have put up some rather solid blockades!! Pray for some rain (NO lightning, please) so we can get the evacuees back home.

Thank you for reading,
Carol W.

Time flies when you're having fun

Or when you are running around like a maniac, trying to keep up with the customer order pick-ups, customer order requests, returns, sales, questions and that ever present, non-stop ringing telephone!!

It was a tad busy again tonight at the Depot. The waves of people never stopped, and I'm pretty certain I got in 10,000 of my total 13,000 steps just running from the service desk to the BOPIS (Buy Online, Pick Up In Store) room all night long.

I started at 4:30, which doesn't give me very much time after working till 3:30 at JOB #1, to actually eat anything for supper. And while I do get a dinner break, I didn't have anything quick to grab on my way in and back out of the house.

Run in to work, punched in my time, put on my apron and steel-toe boots, and then didn't stop running around until 8:30 when my stomach suddenly reminded me that lunch was a very, very long time ago! I didn't want to raid the candy machine, and the choices by the cashiers aren't much better...chips, chocolate bars and jerky. I decided I would survive just fine until I got home, although I didn't count on that last, very late return after we had already closed for the night. I will admit to being a bit hangry by the time I pulled into my garage. It's a good thing I have an awesome protein powder and tasty supplements ready and waiting. Some frozen cherries, water, dried peanut butter, dark chocolate power boost (for my muscles), yummy orange beauty boost (for my hair, skin and nails) and the neutral vegan, non-soy protein powder, and I was enjoying a refreshing shake in no time. Even broke in my new Oster personal blender. Worked like a charm!

I don't want to make this a habit, replacing a meal with a smoothie, as I do prefer chewing rather than drinking my food, but it's nice to know that I have this available for crazy nights like this. I'll aim to get some chicken cooked and prepped over the weekend, so I can have something handier and hardier to grab & go. Cut up celery and carrots, hard-boiled eggs, apples. All things that I can grab from the fridge as I run through the kitchen, to run out the door again.

Needless to say, still haven't read any further in the Big Step. Boy, when I do though!! That'll be something!

Thanks for reading,
Carol W.

Club Coaching

Tonight was interesting. In an effort to get my Distinguished Toastmasters, I'm joining forces with a friend at our group, and working on coaching a club over the hurdles they're currently experiencing. I've never been a coach like this before. In fact, I've never really been a coach, so this will all be new to me.

Met with the other group tonight, and it was small. Only 3 current members at the meeting, and then luckily two guests showed up. That's a great start!! Just have to work on getting the rest of the existing members to show up consistently, and keep adding to the membership. It's a year commitment at least, to coach, and we can extend after that if need be.

As with small meetings, everyone stepped up into and helped out, even the guests! Speeches were given off the cuff (way to go, Christine!), table topics, and evaluations given. I handled timing, although I admit to not quite understanding the lighting apparatus they had. I used the app on my phone! I love that about Toastmasters. The group really supports and encourages each other. This group seems like a really good fit, and I'm excited to see where we end up.

Almost done my 4th level in Pathways as well, with the speech tomorrow, and then a few more posts here. And then it's level 5. Insert serious music here... It looks intimidating! I think it's fortuitous that the group we are coaching specializes in project management, as level 5 is all about projects! I have to pick a project, find a sponsor, form a committee...it's all very new to me. But this is really what Toastmasters is about. Pushing you out of your comfort zone and learning new things.

Needless to say, still not any further in the Big Leap! Maybe tomorrow!!

Thanks for reading,

Carol W.

Priorities

I am exhausted. Physically and mentally beat up. My feet are killing me. My legs ache. I'm having trouble remembering the simplest task. What on earth have I been doing, you may ask? Working at my part-time job!!

Did I mention that I have a part-time job? Yes, in addition to my full-time one. I've always seemed to do this. I say it's for fun (when I worked at the theatre) or something new (data entry at Calgary Labs) but I always seem to creep back in to "working all of the time". Today, it's Customer Service at Home Depot. With fellow team members off on family emergencies and others leaving the company, I am the first to say "sure, I can cover". What that has meant is last week alone I worked a mere 7 hours less than my full time job!! Four days straight of standing on cement in steel-toed boots also means both of my feet are about to call a rotating strike on me!! They'd walk out, if they thought they could!! That flows up into the calves, thighs and hips. Which doesn't help with the sleeping part. But I've dosed up on some magnesium and vitamin D, which should help ease things. I'll also drink a slug of pickle juice, just to be on the safe side!! The work itself isn't hard, although there are some things I really do have to talk myself through (yes, out loud - please don't laugh). Also surrounded by a pretty good group of people, for the most part, having fun and enjoying themselves. Then there are the shifts with the grumpy-bums and cranky customers and any semblance of a good mood is rapidly destroyed. But I keep going back.

So this begs the question 'why'? Why am I putting myself through this? After all, don't I have a side hustle? Why do I always seem to put more effort into a J.O.B. rather than my own business? And there in lies the rub. I always seem to make other things a priority over this. And I have a ton of excuses...it's how I was raised, it's my work ethic, it's what's expected of me... Worse part is I get myself so wrapped up in the jobs, I start to forget or pass over what else I "should" be doing. Working on building a business. Reading a book (or collection of books) meant to help me grow and develop my business skills. Doing a blog to share my thoughts of said books, or business or what have you. And yet the priority always seems to fall to WORK.

While I am totally stuck on the same page of the Big Leap (can't seem to fit in 15 minutes of reading), I do love my You are a Bada$$ (Jen Sincero) daily calendar. For example, as I was feeling pulled about and questioning what I was doing with this thing called life, this was the quote of the day:

"I can pretty much guarantee that every time you tearfully ask yourself the question, "WTF is my problem?!" the answer lies in some lame, limiting, and FALSE subconscious belief that you've been dragging around without even realizing it."

I mean WHA?!?! BOOM!! Yes, yes and YASSSS!!!!

However, what does all of this mean right here and now? Nothing...because I AM tired. I'm going to bed momentarily. My goal today was to get this post out regardless, as I keep using the excuse of "tired and no time" and skipping it day after day. So here it is...maybe it's rambling and maybe it's nonsense but I got the words out tonight.

What are your priorities, and how do you stick to them, against all the things coming at us all day? I am curious to know.

Thank you for reading,
Carol W.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

You know when you are watching a scary movie, and one of the characters is about to go outside, and you yell at the screen "don't do it!", because you know exactly what is going to happen?? Yeah, my weight journey lately has been that scary movie!!  "Don't eat that!!" I scream, and yet I eat it. "Get up and move!", I yell. And yet, I sit or worse, nap. I know better...I've been a member of WW (formally known as Weight Watchers) for longer than some members there have been alive, and yet I seem determined to self-sabotage myself at every turn and never reach goal.

Take today...well, this week, actually. I've watched my weight bounce around all week, and yet I just had to have the mini-cupcake yesterday (it was someone's birthday, rude not to, am I right?), or the new Oreo PB and Chocolate flavour. Just had to try it. After all, never, ever been a fan of Oreos, but that didn't stop me from trying, buying and eating an entire package myself. Seriously...what is wrong with me?!?!?

I am an emotional eater. Trouble is, the emotion doesn't have to be a negative one. Happy...sad...angry...stressed...bored...all excuses to shovel something into my mouth. And let's be honest here. It is NEVER a carrot or an apple that I am reaching for. Someone suggested that tonight at the workshop (formally known as meeting). Instead of the chocolate sprinkles Texas donut, grab an apple instead. Sure...that's happening!!

I did manage to go for a bit of a walk today, of which I am proud of. I used to walk every day at lunch, and then used snow, rain, wind and work as convenient excuses as to why I couldn't. That stops now. I feel like crap. Seriously like a pile of poo. Not enjoying my reflection in the mirror. Not feeling so awesome about myself. What have you to say about that, Dr. Hendricks? How is The Big Leap going to help me overcome my weight issues? He does say that the intention of the book is to "show me exactly how to free myself from the self-imposed limitation that is keeping me from my ultimate success". Guess I'd better read some more!

Do you self-sabotage? How do you break the cycle or habit? Looking for any and all ideas. I need to change something - a fresh perspective would be great!

As always, thank you for reading.

Carol W.

Is it Fear or is it Fake

Slowly getting into The Big Leap. Still muddling through chapter 1 - it's not that Dr. Hendricks uses big words or complicated theories. In fact, it's pretty simple. Which is maybe why I'm having trouble getting through it. I keep reading and rereading the same lines. It's hitting home - perhaps a little too close for comfort!

His first concept is the Upper Limit Problem. Basically, as I understand it, is we all have our own perceived glass ceiling, and until we're ready to break through to the Ultimate level, we will never realize our true potential.

I once had aspirations of psychiatry as a career, until the sciences seriously clashed with my brain, but find I push back a bit when I see and hear things like this. If it's really so simple, why aren't we all doing it? Oh that's right...because we think we don't deserve all the happiness, accolades, wealth. I have to say the one part I really resonated with was when he talked of eating healthy, exercising and feeling great through the week, only to throw it all away with booze, sugar and poor habits on the weekend. Story of my life! Begs the question...why do I fear being thin and healthy? There's a blog for another day!!

Once through the introduction, you reach chapter 1: Preparing for your Big Leap. Here, you have 3 questions to answer:

1. Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside (inner sense of well being)?

    - yes

2. Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?

    - I hope it's yes. Gets a little shaky here.

3. Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?

    - "All the time"?? Again, one would hope the answer is yes. 

It is here that we dive into the limiting beliefs. I like how he puts this into perspective...if we cling to the notion that something's not possible, we are essentially arguing in favour of limitation. What's the payoff of limitation? Hamster wheel of mediocrity? What if Columbus returned to Europe and said he didn't find land, but he could have, if he didn't have a nasty cold? America wouldn't have a holiday in October for one. 

I am finding myself flipping back and forth between the pages, again not because the concept is so obtuse or hard to comprehend, but because I keep seeing snips that I want to remember and go back to. It's definitely a book to read with a high-lighter in hand!

I'll close with this question tonight...How am I getting in my own way? A doozy, for me at least...think about it. I'd love to chat. Let me know how you get in or out of your own way?

Thanks for reading,

Carol W.

Welcome back, for real this time.

I've done everything I can think of to avoid this moment right now. Changed the litter. Hauled out the recyclables. Emptied garbage bins. Made another cup of coffee. Played with the furbabies. All clever avoidance tactics I've honed over the years.

What am I so afraid of? Why is jotting down my thoughts, dreams, goals and such so intimidating to me. Maybe I'm afraid no one will read it. But that begs the question...why am I really doing this? Is it for me or you? Let me back-track a bit here.

I am a Toastmaster, for just over two years now. I've completed my Competent Communicator, the Competent Leader, Advanced Leader Bronze, and I'm in the 4th level of the 5 level Pathway, Persuasive Influence. I'm also working towards my Distinguished Toastmaster designation. Toastmasters is fun, and I've dived in feet first. After all, Public Speaking were the only two classes in college that I received an A...A+, actually. While I have no problem speaking in public, one of the challenges in this pathway is to complete a blog. Again, I thought...no problem. I've been writing various iterations of this blog for years now. And yet, every time I thought of a topic or decided to actually put fingers to keyboard (not the same ring as pen to paper, is it??), I would find a trillion other things to do.

There in lies the crux...when I have something I "should" be doing, whether it's dealing with issues in my house like the plumbing, organizing my office, my taxes, my budget, building my side hustle, exercise, weight loss...anything that is "adulting", I seem to easily willingly distract myself.

With your help, I am working on changing all of that this year. The hamster wheel, while fun to begin with, is getting boring. I'm tired of the same old, and yet it's what I so easily fall back in to. Jen Sincero said it best when she wrote "the walls of our comfort zone are lovingly papered with our excuses". It's time to break down one or all of those walls. I have all three of her books...let's try actually reading them, shall we? And the many, many other self-improvement, ,marketing, betterment books I have on hand. Did I mention there were many??

Kosmo helping Mommy choose

Step 1 for the blog - consistency. While I laughingly cry "go big or go home" history has taught me that I do just that...go home. I get overwhelmed and crawl back under the covers of complacency. One step at a time to start any journey, right? I will read, and do a book report on one of the books I have on hand right now and post at least 8 more times over the next few weeks. Which one shall it be, though??

I've decided on a rather appropriate one, in fact. The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks.

Conquer your hidden fear and take life to the next level

Please feel free to share this, if you think it may help someone you know. And comment...I love comments. Let's start a dialogue. How do you get yourself out of the "zone" when you get stuck? I'm open to ideas!

Thank you for reading.
Carol W.

A love letter to myself

A very dear friend came across this nugget, while flipping through our junior high school yearbook. The year, 1977. The age...unknown but guessing either 13 or 14. After all, it was grade 8. That's the year that Shelly moved back to the Saskatchewan town her parents were from, and our lives were forever changed, without us even knowing. I'm sure at the time, between the tears, threats of running away together, wails of despair and negotiations for my parents to adopt Shelly (They adopted me. What's one more?! After all, we always thought we were sisters-from-another-mister, long before that concept ever became cool!) we were both convinced our lives were completely over. May as well stop the planet from rotating, because it's all done for. Funny how 41+ years manage to pass by, and neither of us has actually died. Oh, I'm sure it felt close some days...may have even toed the line to peek over, but we are both standing as strong as we did as children. Our paths may have gone off in very different directions, but we wound our way back into each others lives and arms. Where I think we were meant to be, all along. But then that question of "what if" pops up. What if Shelly hadn't moved, and we continued on to high school, college, careers, boys together?? Would Shelly have 3 beautiful children and grand babies today? Run her own company, and speak at events as a subject matter expert? Would she have painted and then presented me with the new (very old) frame that makes it absolute perfection (this is also 41 years old, by the way, and it's hung in my room since the day Shelly gave it to me, so very long ago.)

And what about me?? Would growing up together, on the same street, one house down have meant different choices for me? Marriage, a different career, children...Ermmmm...this is where I gulp and hoping I at least stay the crazy cat lady!! Every time I look at the picture of me from so long ago, all I can think is "oh, girl...you have no fucking idea of what's to come." And that's a good thing, right?!

I've showed the picture around, and everyone is kind to comment how pretty I was then. Funny how hindsight kind of grabs you and makes you look twice. Was I pretty? I certainly didn't think so then. I have flashes of doubt now. And while this was before puberty and my seemingly constant struggle with weight, I recall being teased for being too skinny. Too many freckles. I'm sure my eyes were too blue and my hair too brown. I distinctly remember being too tall. I mean seriously...WTF?! Could not make people happy, and sadly, that meant a very long, bumpy road of finding and then finally claiming MY own happiness.

So what would I say to me now? Even thinking about it is choking up my throat, and what is this wet stuff on my cheeks? How I want to wrap that sweet (really, I was sweet...honest!) girl up in my arms and protect her from everything and everyone that hurts her, but then, she won't learn and grow, will she? I guess all I can tell her is that our life is a good one. Yes, we definitely have had dark days, but the sun always came up. ALWAYS. We loved hard, and people loved us back. Some didn't last, but was it meant to then? I don't know these things either. So keep smiling, sweet girl...people will try their very best to make you frown, but continue to smile in defiance! Smile like you really do know the secret, and you still won't share. Smile, because you really are happy. Really!

Much love and gratitude,
Carol

I love Wednesdays

I really do love Wednesdays, and it's not because it's hump day, or the middle of the work week. In fact, for some of us that juggle two (or more) jobs, there really isn't a "middle" to speak of. Just another day, just another shift. No, I love Wednesdays because that's Toastmasters day where I work.

I look forward to Toastmasters every week. I get to spend my lunch with an amazing, ever changing, ever growing, group of people. I get to network within in my own organization, which is great when I come up against something I don't know or understand, but I remember...ah-ha!!  "Bob" works for that department; he'll know about this or at least point me towards who does. While our group is small, and getting smaller weekly it appears, we are mighty! All joining with the goal of working on our leadership skills, interpersonal communications and yes, the dreaded public speaking. But here's the thing...THAT'S my favourite part!!!  I simply adore standing up in front of everyone and giving a speech, or even more fun, the table-topics, a lightening round of questions of which you don't prepare, but answer off the cuff. I enjoy that so much I competed in the last area and division meets. I did win our area, which allowed my to continue on to the division, but sadly came in 3rd. I have some work to do for next year, that is for certain. The competition bug has bitten, and I want to do better. I know I can do better!

But back to the actual speaking part. Toastmasters has introduced a new platform, if you will, to modernize the overall concept. Online course take you through what is call Pathways, and like a path through the mountains, you climb levels, completing various speeches and tasks, until you reach the summit of Level 5. I've chosen the Pathway of Persuasive Influence - something I aim to use with my other endeavor, helping people achieve their dreams and goals. Today's speech was # 19 or 20 (I've honestly lost track) overall, and is almost the middle of my current Pathway. It was about Conflict Resolution, and how I deal with it (I don't...hate conflict...I run scared...oh wait, I was supposed to learn something back there, wasn't I?!) and I gave a pretty good speech. Everyone enjoyed it, and even commented how they can't wait till they are as prepared and rehearsed as I am. So...when do I tell them that it was pretty much off the cuff?! Oh, I had an idea and even wrote one out, but I didn't really rehearse it. I most certainly didn't commit it to memory. And maybe that's why I enjoy Toastmasters so much. It actually plays to my strengths, not focusing on yet another weakness or flaw.

Here's my question for you...what are your strengths? Weaknesses? What do you want to work on? And do you like Wednesdays?!

What am I so afraid of?

I've thought about popping in here and jotting down a few things. And then a Friday turns into a Monday, turns into a Wednesday and I think "I'll get to it on the weekend". The weekend arrives and leaves, and as I'm crawling into bed Sunday night, I wonder what happened to another good intention. Another idea I've overlooked. Made excuses for. Passed by.

What am I so afraid of? The permanence of the words? Who even reads blogs anymore? Are they still a thing? I see them, so they must be, but I was never one to be up on the current trends. And what happens if someone, like you for example, does take a few minutes to read my rambling thoughts. What will happen? Maybe we'll start a conversation. Connect. Make a new friend. Reconnect with some old ones. It's a Devil-may-care world, this Blog-land, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Or is it ready for me?!

What to talk about? There's always my life. Still single...still have cats (2)...still living in my 106+ year old house, with the fence falling down and minor repairs required. Did I mention still single?? So that means I'm doing the minor repairs, or at least attempting to learn what I can. Maybe that's why I was also drawn to the part-time job at Home Depot. That, and I really do like the colour orange. I am still working in the banking industry, having recently celebrated my 2 year anniversary. And I am still working on pushing my entrepreneurial self out from behind my employee self. It has been a struggle, but I am also determined (read: stubborn) enough to make this work. That and the company direction is so exciting right now, especially after we got married in March. Wait, didn't I say I was single?! Yes, NOT that kind of married! In fact, that's a great post for another day. I haven't been to crossfit for a while (yet another post idea) but I am still a WW member (can't remember if we're actually allowed to call it Weight Watchers anymore) and continue to work on my personal health and wellness. All in all, much of my life is the same as it was. Hopefully a bit more interesting though. I've made new friends along the way and did some traveling throughout. Not a bad existence, now that I stop to think about it.

So the long and the short of it, is I am back. I will WILL write at least one post a week, as I think weekly is a great place to start. Let me know if there is something specific you'd be interested in. While I do not claim to know everything, I am great at research and am a graduate of MSU (Making $hit Up).

So...hi. My name is Carol, and I hope we can become friends.

With gratitude,
C.