MyDreams2RealLife: Into the rabbit hole...

It's been a long couple of weeks since my last post, and one filled with highs and lows. Since I want to end on a happy note, and I don't want to babble on too long, we'll start low.

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Having walked out of the Box, all schweaty and high from achieving a PR in a clean & jerk, I was sitting in my car, ready to proudly post my accomplishment to Facebook, when the headlines caught my eye. Instead of boasting, I sat in my car and cried. Openly wept for a man and family that I had never met. I loved Robin Williams...and I mean loved in that I wanted to marry him and bear him children. And you all know how I feel about children! My love was strong and from the first time I ever saw this amazingly talented man on Happy Days. Yes, I am THAT old. I watched Mork & Mindy every week, rented DVDs of Robin's stand-up (if you want to laugh till you stop breathing, find a copy of Robin Williams Live at the Met), went to his movies, screamed that he was robbed when he didn't win an academy award, screamed even louder when he did, paid a rather sizeable amount of money to go to an evening with him here in Calgary, alone because none of my friends thought it was worth that much, and loved the Crazy Ones, not only for him, but for the glimpses of Chicago, so I could say "I was there". I am still saddened by his death, and not just for the fact that a brilliant, funny, caring, playful man has passed, but for the fixation around how he died, and trying to figure out the why. It is not our place to know either. Now, I don't dare compare myself to him in any way, but as someone who has fallen into the rabbit hole known as depression, I can speak for the reality of a disease that no one can see and that we don't have telethons or charity runs for. "Snap out it" is often heard, and in my personal experience, there is a fear of even admitting it, for the stigma and shame that comes from being seen as weak.

I was 34 when the spiral started, waking up on my birthday and realizing that I had just spent half of my life at the same job. HALF! I was not married, I was not dating, I didn't have children (in hindsight...phew), I didn't own my house...nothing of "where I should be" at that age was happening, and I bought into it. I slowly lost interest in activities I used to love, and started to avoid situations where I would be in the light. What I mean by that is even a simple night out with friends was to be avoided, because someone may look AT me and verify the thoughts that swirled around in my head...I was fat, I was ugly, I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Depression is relentless...tapping away every.single.day until you just can't deal any more. I was living in filth, refusing to let friends in to see the mess, and was relying on Cheetos and Coke as nutrition. Friends mentioned that there was something amiss with me, but I brushed them off, thinking I was "just a little blue". Besides, there were other people far worse than me that needed the help far more. How would I deal with it if someone else couldn't get to see a doctor, because I was taking up their time?! Besides, I haughtily thought "I would never commit suicide..." You see, that's how my uncle passed, when I was very young. The act itself didn't haunt me, but it was how he disappeared from the family...my father never spoke of him again. That hit me hard, as I didn't ever want to be ignored like that.

Finally, I made that call. The one that said "I need help". And that started the slow journey back into the light. After seeing a counsellor a few times, she made sure that I connected with a psychiatrist to get the proper medications I needed. As they argued, when people say no to anti-depressants, would you deny a cast if you broke a leg? Or insulin if you were diabetic? If the answer is no to either, than taking meds for depression is no different. I also took 6 months off work, went through a month long program at a local hospital and then the remainder of time in daily group therapy. When my therapy was up, I was indeed better. Cured? Not likely, but better able to deal with situations and life's stresses. I quit that job that I had for over 17 years, and after a brief stay with a small company, have been at my current employer for over 14 years now, loving what I do. I finally own my own home, although there is nothing wrong with renting. I'm still single but am okay with that too...especially after I hear of another's relationship hell. Yes 2014 has kicked me, continuously it seems, and knocked me down, but what counts is that fact that I keep getting back up, dusting myself off and pointing myself forward. I don't know the dark place Robin was in, nor dare I try to imagine it. All I can do at this point is stay self-aware for my own warning signs and seek out the light, if I ever find myself balancing on the edge of that rabbit hole again.

Thank you for letting me get that out...I have felt out of sorts since his passing, and find that social media has not helped at all!! Let us all leave him to rest in peace, finally, and leave his family to mourn and celebrate his life. Let us all celebrate life!

Last week was a week of hard work and PRs for me...sweat angels, working on my form and celebrating the small victories like walking without a limp and push-ups from the ground, with a wrist that did not complain the whole time! Forward into the light, people.